19th of December 2017 - Naval Gazing

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/ 

 

19th of December 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

NAVAL GAZING

The recent leak on the new British aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth is utterly irrelevant to the vessel's future. Whilst the leakage has sensationally been quoted as 200 Litres per Hour, that's only 44 Gallons per Hour: I've bailed more out of a rowing boat.

More importantly, the vessel was designed 20 years ago and is clearly not fit for modern warfare, with its ancient computers even running an elderly version of Windows for Warships. The aircraft, which will not arrive for several years, will also be built to similarly antiquated designs.

Far better to repurpose the ship as a replacement Royal Yacht. With impending Brexit, this would excel for Royal Visits promoting British Trade and Diplomacy throughout the world as were undertaken so sucessfully by the previous HMY Britannia. It would certainly give the new generation of Royals something to do that would generally be perceived as useful even by the most ardent Republican.

The vessel is large enough to throw Garden Parties on deck or use as a base for overseas sales displays of UK manufactured military equipment (even if we can no longer afford to purchase such kit for our own armed forces).

John Eoin Douglas

10th of December 2017 - A Sense Of Place

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/ 

 

10th of December 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

SENSE OF PLACE

I fail to understand what all the fuss is about the proposals for the reconstruction of Picardy Place

 

What is clearly needed is a road configuration that will allow road traffic to move around the city as efficiently as possible and, whilst pedestrians need to be sensibly and safely accommodated, we certainly do not need to be spending the city's scarce funds on special cycle provision. If cyclists do not feel themselves adequate to the task of sharing the carriageway with motor vehicles, they are welcome at any time to dismount and share the facilities provided for pedestrians.

 

As to the metal monstrosities by a local "artist" which currently clog the pavement outside the Cathedral and act as a focus for unruly children and street drinkers, I look forward to these being unceremoniously removed well out of Spurtleshire to the wilds of Calton for the duration of the works. With any luck, they will soon be purloined from their temporary dumping ground by itinerant metal dealers under cover of darkness and we will not have to face the bill for the inconvenience of their return.

 

John Eoin Douglas

6th of December 2017 - Blow To Services

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/

6th of December 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

BLOW TO SERVICES

It's deeply disturbing that Scotrail has cancelled all services on the Far North and West Highland lines in advance of Storm Caroline.

The company has been making much recently of investment in new rolling stock and motive power but it seems that this has been misplaced. In the days of steam haulage, such precautionary cancellations in advance of forecast weather never took place.

Instead of flimsy modern engineering that dare not be allowed out of the shed in the wrong sort of weather, Scotrail should be placing bulk orders for tried and tested steam locomotives like Flying Scotsman for which blueprints are readily available.

John Eoin Douglas

24th of November 2017 - Chinese Copy

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/ 

 

24th of November 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

CHINESE COPY

I was astounded to discover that, despite many of the vendors adopting German and Scottish themes, much of the tawdry merchandise on display in Edinburgh's Christmas Markets actually comes from China.

Why not go the whole hog and have a Chinese Market next year? I'm sure that Edinburgh Councillors and Council Officials would be prepared to undertake fact finding missions to the Far East if they thought that this would enable the City to recruit appropriate traders and no doubt Edinburgh Zoo would be prepared to lend out their panda if it would add verisimilitude to such an event.

John Eoin Douglas

8th of November 2017 - Quick Entry

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/ 

8th of November 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

QUICK ENTRY

Inching my way through immigration on returning to the UK recently it occurred to me how much Brexit could improve the speed of the process in future. Only foreigners need have their documents examined whilst UK citizens should be able to speed past the queues with a "Schengen Wave" of their blue passport.

John Eoin Douglas

31st of October 2017 - Real Jobs For Bankers

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/

31st of October 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

REAL JOBS FOR BANKERS

So, massive redundancies are forecast to occur in the London banking sector as a result of Brexit. Good, I say. These overpaid parasitic bankers will now be available to fill the socially useful albeit low paid agricultural jobs shortly to be vacated by Brexiting Eastern Europeans.

John Eoin Douglas

20th of October 2017 - Don't Spare The Rod

7 Spey Terrace
Edinburgh
EH7 4PX
Telephone: 0131-550 0895
E-mail: JohnEDouglas@gmail.com
Blog: http://johneoindouglas.blogspot.com/

20th of October 2017

Dear Sir/Madam,

DON'T SPARE THE ROD

I am appalled at the Scottish Government’s ill considered intention to ban the reasonable chastisement of children by their parents.

In my school days, corporal punishment was a way of distinguishing the sheep from the goats. It was only the brightest kids who realised that if an adult hit you, they had lost the argument and that you could continue what you were doing that had attracted their ire but with more discretion and care to avoid detection. The thicker bairns, on the other hand, never made this connection and usually responded compliantly to a good belting.

Since the tawse was abolished in Scottish schools, we have seen generations of feral children growing up into ill mannered and loutish thugs. The few decent parents who attempt to do what schools used to do will now be deprived of a viable means to control their lumpen offspring. And intelligent kids will miss out on a valuable lesson about adult psychology.

John Eoin Douglas